On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
