i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
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