From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
There r osticjed everywhere
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
