my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Randomize
