I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
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