You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
