I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Randomize
