My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
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Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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