I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
This house was built for laser tag.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Randomize
