I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Randomize
