yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
Randomize
