Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Randomize
