there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Randomize
