Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
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