Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Randomize
