Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Randomize
