Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
