No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
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