Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
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My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
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Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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