Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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