What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
