Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
I want a musical about memes.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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