currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
It's official drugs can't kill me
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
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