So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Randomize
