Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
Is it penis luge time yet?
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Randomize
