i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
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