Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Randomize
