I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
Randomize
