best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
