The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Randomize
