$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
he fucked my hip out of place.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Randomize
