At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Randomize
