nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
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