im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
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