As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
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