My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
She told me I should be a condom model.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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