Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
