I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Randomize
