Need sex. Gaining weight.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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