my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
It's rum buckets o'clock
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Randomize
