At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
Randomize
