can u get pink eye on your cock?
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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