Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
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