Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
