I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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