i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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