i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
