wakey wakey hands off snakey
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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