theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
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