i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
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