Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
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