you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Randomize
