My boss' voice literally gives me gas
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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