my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Randomize
