508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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