I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
