i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
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