I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
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