you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
