nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
