Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
